I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
