What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I didn't notice because vodka
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
