my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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