What did we do last night that was yellow?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
