i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
