the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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