My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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