That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
