I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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