it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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