I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
