2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
