So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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