I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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