Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I want to make a zoo with you.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
