So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
