shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
