I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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