I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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