It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
