You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
it glows. i had to have it.
she pinky promised me she was 18
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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