I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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