and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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