youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
