I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
