Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
