I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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