OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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