Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
