I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
