Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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