I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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