well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
