I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
not ubering you a puppy
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
