If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
