I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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