he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
