He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
