she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
