when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
