Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
