You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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