i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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