hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
