He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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