my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
