She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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