She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
