Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
