I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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